It’s A Hard Habit to Break (To Un-train and Retrain Others)

We all have things that God immediately starts working on, once we come to Christ. I mean, after all we are all a work in progress—right! But there is something that seems to be a common thread in most women, and that is being “people” pleasers. Yup—I’ve been guilty myself. But God’s desire for all of His daughters (sons too) is to become “God” pleasers—period!

At a young age, I learned that working to please people offered some type of reward. Such as “atta girl” or “great job”! In the beginning it seemed to bring positive attention versus being the stupid or nothing child my mother constantly told me I was. But then again—sin always has some type of lure with the promise of glory or pleasure.

But after years of working hard to please others hoping they would like me, or have a good opinion of me, I grew weary. And this was before Christ. It was just too much work and not enough reward. For one thing people start to take you for granted.

I learned to bake pretty early on (loved it and was really good at it) and so for all family dinners I was expected to bring desserts. But not what I might want to bring—mostly it was my infamous cheesecake or strawberry short cakes (when strawberries were in season) with homemade whipped cream. As the years passed, it took the joy out of baking for me.

One time I was asked to make a homemade lemon pound cake, and I agreed. But in truth I was sick of the whole mess. So, I showed up without the cake and told the lie, “I baked it, but my cat jumped up on the table and I caught her licking it.” Yeah, they bought it, but all my family talked about that night was how they were short a dessert because of my cat. Don’t get me wrong, these were not dinners where everyone had to bring something—many of my cousins showed up empty handed all the time and it was okay. But, it was always a problem if I didn’t bake as requested. I was never given permission to show up empty handed.

So one day I made the decision to no longer attend dinners if I had to bake dessert or bring something. Thus began my fade away from family functions. At the time, I didn’t know how to speak up and be okay about it. I had years of allowing their accolades to build me up and now I was experiencing the flip side of that—them tearing me down. “Good girl” if I walked in with desserts and “Bad girl” if I didn’t!

The beauty of living in the Kingdom of God and finding out who you are in Christ does make you free—and learning to be a God pleaser versus a people please is “Freedom” like none we ever experience before Him.

What I found out about myself was that I craved and desired more intimate dinners with people. Not the big huge events I grew up with where I had to work for my meal.

Before I started baking I would be loaned out by my mother to go help my aunts clean and prepare for the holiday dinners as young as 9 years old. And most often as soon as I ate, I was commanded to go in the kitchen and start washing dishes for the next round of folks.  Until I was grown, I really didn’t know what it was to not have to work for a meal at someone else’s home. I also had girlfriends who would ask me to come early and help them prepare for parties and dinners—work, work, and more work!

But one day I found out—I wasn’t obligated anymore and people had no choice but to accept that!

I started my own Christmas Eve tradition of hosting dinners for singles. Why singles? Because I found it was often a very lonely night for those who didn’t have children or had grown children who didn’t live nearby. I went all out with seafood and homemade desserts. I loved it! I filled every seat at the table with guest and served them. It gave me great pleasure to do this. And when they left, I would sit at the table with the candles still burning, have a glass of wine and eat my supper. It was always joyful.

To this day, if I have people over, whether for brunch, lunch or dinner…they don’t lift a finger. But on the other hand, neither do I when I go to someone’s house. Do people always like this or invite me back? Nope they don’t. You still have those of the mindset that their guest should work for their meal. But that is no longer my problem.

Sisters…what “people” pleasing way might be holding you captive?

Are you one who doesn’t say, “No” when you should? Are you on so many ministries you don’t have time to enjoy life? Do you do so much for your family that you are always last and your needs never make it from the back burner? Do you have friends that take you for granted?

Something to think about, isn’t it?

When you live the lifestyle of a “people” pleaser, you are never truly happy or fulfilled. In fact it is the opposite. Most likely you feel used, taken for granted and become resentful. So what holds us back from changing? Fear! Yes, fear of what people will think or how they will react.

But it’s an easier fix then many of us think. Just work on becoming a God Pleaser! Yup! The more we work on living a life that pleases the Father, the less we are held captive to the strings of others. Whatever fulfillment we hoped to derive from pleasing others, will be filled by Him.

Of course you will run into some resistance once you start to make the transition. Why? Because those who benefited most from our people pleasing ways—rebel! But eventually that becomes their problem and not yours. Amen!

P.S. Eventually my family learned that if I did bring a dessert it was because I wanted to, but often I came empty handed—just because I could. J

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie

We Give Up Too Easily During the Struggle

I’ve found that “struggle” and “persevere” at times can be confessed as being the same thing, when actually depending on how you use them, they are very different in meaning.

Struggle, (verb)…to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems.

Persevere, (verb)…press on/ahead, not take no for an answer, be tenacious, stand one’s ground, stand fast/firm, hold on, go the distance, stay the course, plod on, stop at nothing, leave no stone unturned.

This summer I found myself in a great struggle to complete a baby blanket for my youngest daughter’s boss at college. The announcement was made in late April that they were expecting a little boy. She was such a wonderful mentor, big sister and cheerleader for my daughter that I wanted to do something special for her and her new baby. And for me, that would be to crochet her little one a beautiful blanket. Only problem—I don’t crochet during the summer months. It might sound strange to some of you other “hookers” out there, but it is my reality. But nonetheless I decided to bite the bullet and make a blanket. Oh, boy!

It proved to be a long and drawn-out event. But not being one who gives up so easily, I struggled (not persevered) through the process. After all it was of my making and in my control.

Just getting started seemed like the challenge of a lifetime. I mean, I had to dig deep and talk myself into at least doing the chains (Didn’t want to touch the yarn!).

As time went on, it didn’t get much better—completing a couple of rows of fans was such a drag! The temptation to ditch the idea of making the blanket and buy a gift was forever on my mind. After all, I didn’t tell her I was making a blanket—no commitment—no responsibility. Right! Well, not exactly—I really wanted to show her how grateful I was for her watching over my girl and being there for her in a trying situation. So, I guess I had made a commitment to myself.

The temptation to give up or sort of cheat is always before us. And when I say, “Cheat” I’m speaking figuratively about with ourselves.

‘You want to lose weight so you joined the gym, but you haven’t told anyone so it’s okay if you stop going after the first few times.’

‘A sermon inspired you to take at least 15 minutes each day to read the Bible, but it’s sort of hard so, you think you’ll make it every other day.’

These are the things I call cheating on ourselves with. But you know what girls; I think we always lose in the long run, when we give into this type of thinking. Making change or doing something new is never easy—there is going to be some type of struggle along the way. Trick is, we have to decide how badly we want to get to the other end of the struggle. Is it really important? We just have to make up our minds—either we are in or either we are out!

It literally took me all summer to make a blanket that I can do in 2 weeks. I was on again, off again, like a bad relationship. Even in an air conditioned room, I found little comfort as my fingers hooked those tiny fans and figured out a color pattern. Truth is—I finished the fringe about 3 hours before we pulled out to head up to college this past Tuesday. But that was okay. Because I finished it even though I found it very difficult to do! It turned out beautiful and I know the mother-to-be is going to love it and hence, will have a beautiful keepsake. And that was my desired goal. I would have liked it to have been a quicker process, but nonetheless—I finished! LOL!

I think that as we learn to not give up on things we want to do (and they’re okay with God), so quickly, we will be better prepared to “persevere” through those things we have no control over.

Making it to the other end of the struggle takes a determination, even when we keep failing or falling down in it. Sometimes I went as long as 3 weeks without touching the blanket, (kept talking about it) and then I would pick it up and work on it a little for 2 days and put it down again. Near the end I had a great push to finish. But wouldn’t you know it…I ran out of white yarn! I had to wait about a week before I could get it, and by then I had lost my get-up-and-go to finish. So, I found myself with 2 days left for completion.

Sisters, maybe it’s that book you started to write 5 years ago or the weight you’ve been struggling to lose over the years—don’t give up! Work through the struggle. Don’t let the difficulty deter you. Go back and pickup where you left off. There is no shame in starting over. There are many things in our lives where we alone hold the blame for them not getting done.

Has this experience changed the way I feel about crocheting during the summer months? Nope! But it reminded me that even though something is difficult to do, if I want it bad enough I can make it through the struggle! J

What’s that thing for you?

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie

Don’t Let Your Mouth Write a Check Your Butt Can’t Cash!

Sisters, it seems that many of us are using our mouths to talk smack about one another, to each other and about God, Himself! This is a big fat, No, No!!

“Don’t let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash,” is a slang expression that sort of translates into, keep talking trash and you just might get your butt kicked! But it can very well apply to how we live spiritually too.

Our ‘words’ have so much power in them—they hold the key to life and to death. Yet, we often use them without thought to their end result, especially in social media settings.

A mouth filter is a good characteristic to process. Why? Because being able to filter our words can mean the difference between wounding someone deeply or helping to heal a wounded soul.

Over the years, writing has helped me to meditate on my words and not be so quick to push, “send”! But I wasn’t always that way. No, I could fly off the handle in a minute with my words! Piss me off or make me feel attacked, and I would more than likely give it back to you! Why? That was how I was treated as a child. My mother was a very unhappy woman and she had no filter whatsoever when it came to the feelings of others. Truth is, most times she was very cruel in her words. She hardly ever used any type of profanity, yet her words were razor blade sharp and cut to the core.

My defense would often come in the form of profanity. I too could be mean spirited in the things I said to others. At the time, I felt I was better than my mother, because you had to do something to me to encounter my wrath! But the truth—I was often just as callous as she was.

What changed?

The love of Chris, and the healing of old hurts, and the banishment of low self-esteem.

No, it didn’t happen overnight and there are times I still struggle with “what to say” and “what not to say”. But it is nothing like it used to be, and that is why I am sad and often distressed with what I see some of us (sisters-in-Christ) doing on Facebook and other social media genres to each other. It just shouldn’t be.

Just a little note of warning to all of you who love to complain and whine about your life and others on Facebook—stop it!! Not only are you inadvertently talking smack about God as you whine and complain, your words are writing a check your butt can’t cash. How? They are tearing down your faith, planting seeds that will become weeds, and only keep you focused on the negative. And last but not least—you are causing others to stumble.

And for the sisters who know everything and must get your point across—no matter what. Stop that! Why? Because you are tearing others down with your “know it all” attitude and words.

What motivates us to have to have the last word and or make sure others see it our way? PRIDE! And since “pride” in a Believer is something God hates and talks about consistently throughout the Bible, it only stands to reason that words, stemmed from a root of pride, have nothing good in them. The check we write on pride usually always leads to conflict, confusion, hurt feelings and separation.

If you were to attend a gathering and the only person you knew was the sister who had invited you, would you feel comfortable enough to just say anything you felt like to anyone who was there? “No!” And why? Because for one, most of us are smart enough to know, that things may not turn out so well for us. We might get cussed out or even punched in the face, depending on what we did or said. But on Facebook, even though we don’t know most of the people who are friends of a friend, we still feel the need to argue and accost people because we disagree or think we know better. You don’t know these people—you don’t know their back story and what type of damage your words could be doing. Stop and think, “If I were face-to-face with this person would I have the courage to say this too them? Would my words build them up and be profitable?”

God also talks about how He hates when we cause confusion (with our words) amongst the brethren! And just in case you didn’t get my drift, I’m talking about the gossiper. Yup!!!

See sisters, we can’t really expect things to turn around for us in our lives, when we consistently use our words to plant seeds of hurt, discouragement, and shame. God’s spiritual laws of sowing and reaping are set, and what we sow is what we reap. I don’t care how much money you tithe and give in church, and proclaim that you are looking for checks in the mail and new jobs and blah, blah, blah! If you are sowing seeds of death to others, that shall be your harvest. If you complain and whine about your life all the time—it will stay the same!

Paul tells us in Ephesians (AMP), that “LOVE energizes our faith!” So, when we are tearing down others with our words versus encouraging them—we are not walking in love. If we are one who thinks we have the right to say what we think and feel (without a filter) to others—we are being loveless. When we complain all the time to others, yet profess to be a disciple of Christ, they never see the love of Christ through us.

Anytime our words are loosely used without regard to the feelings or end result to others, we are writing checks that most likely our butts can’t cash. And I say that because the end result and consequences we may pay for our actions are usually much harder to endure then we ever thought they would be.

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie

It’s Nothing Like I Thought It Would Be

I will be 62 on my next birthday, and my life is nothing like I had envisioned it would be. Am I sad or disappointed about this? There’re been times where I’ve been both, but let me give you a little background on the past 23 years.

Jesus was someone I knew of since I can remember. I came up in a time where every kid in my block went to Sunday school and VBS (Vacation Bible School). I was also blessed to go to Christian summer camp a few weeks each summer. So, Jesus was not a stranger. In fact I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 7 years old. But I would come home to a godless household and soon the excitement of wanting to live the life of a Christian would wean and fade away.

My high school years were spent at a Seventh Day Adventist boarding school. I was baptized in 11^th grade. But again, I would eventually return to a home void of God and any love. So, when I graduated high school my main goal was to leave this home. But I didn’t run to Jesus—no—I ran to the world and all that glittered.

By my late 30’s I had a 14 year old daughter (single mom) had dropped out of college, drank too much and was just plain beat-up from life. It was then I knew where to go!

After many hit and misses (ready to give up) I found a good church fellowship, and all the fire and passion I knew as a kid game back! Only problem, it wasn’t supported by knowledge or real understanding yet. An old flame showed up and one poor decision to spend the night with him, resulted in being pregnant and alone at the age of 39.

I was scared to death! But I was also ashamed, because in my zeal of being a Christian, I had become judgmental and religious. Now, I would be judged.

With an abortion scheduled, God challenged me, (Now remember I really did not know Him, just of Him.), “If you will trust Me and not commit this sin to cover your sin, I will take care of  you and this baby and supply all that you will ever need.” My pastor told me, “Ponnie you will have to learn to trust God at some point in your life—now is as good as any!” I told God, “I would take Him up on his offer but I was scared.”

Twenty-two years later and it is nothing like I thought it would be.

God has been so faithful to His word—but I thought it would be easier! I’ve made many sacrifices to do things God’s way and raise my daughter the way He wanted. I never got to go back to working in Corporate America making good money, finish getting my college degree or live the better material life I once had. Instead, He demanded a life of service, I wasn’t prepared for.

The hospital where I delivered my preterm daughter called me to see if I wanted to be part of grant they had received. It turned into a great part-time job with really good benefits. But thus began my work as an inner city missionary. I brought my first mom and newborn home when my daughter was about 9 months old.

Well, as a missionary I knew I wasn’t going to be financially rich.

Then came homeschooling for 7 years, working from home and still helping women and children in crisis.

Over the years I have helped and given so much to others and I found myself recently feeling that though God has kept His promise, I got the short end of the stick on it. Ever feel that way?

At this age, I thought I would be living better and doing more. It’s been so long since I went on a vacation, had money for new clothes or a night out where I didn’t have to depend on someone to treat me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just trying to share how I’ve been feeling about life. I know I’m not alone, and I want others to see that they are not alone either.

Sitting on the porch a few nights ago, I asked God, “Has it mattered? Has all that I have done, mattered at all?” No answer. “How come I don’t have much to show for all my hard work?” Still…no answer. “God, I know you love me, but it feels like I’m forgotten.” Then I heard, “Job well done my good and faithful servant!” At that point the tears began to flow.

He reminded me that my name is in the “Book of Life” and I have done a good job in doing what He has asked of me and to look forward to the things I have built up in Heaven.

See, God never promised me life would be easy. I thought in His saying, “I will supply all your needs” I would at least have the lifestyle I had worked so hard to achieve before. My bad! He never promised me a “rose garden” of any type. He said, “Trust Me!”

Sisters, life often does not turn out anything like we ever dreamed or hoped for. Some of us have more than we had ever hoped would come of our way, and then there are those of us who might be scratching our heads and wondering what happened? But through it all—God is faithful!

Paul shared that the secret to contentment is...we can do all things through Christ Jesus who is our strength!

Each new day brings potential for change. It only takes one word from God for that to happen. I had a particular job to do for a particular season, and God is not finished with me yet!

How wonderful to know that one day, face-to-face with Jesus, I shall hear those sweet words again—“Job well done my good and faithful servant!” If I never get another vacation, it will all have been worth it!

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie

Same Old Doo Doo…Just a Different Day!

I’ve borrowed this title from a chapter in Barbra Johnson’s book “Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and be Happy”! As a Christian author she fought with her publishers to keep this title…and I’m glad she did! Because the truth of the matter is—it is easy to be caught up in a cycle of the “same old doo doo”!

What does it take to change or break the cycle of the “same old same old”?

Do we really have a say or a choice in the matter?

Truth is—we always have a choice! Even in the things we have no control over, we still have choices. 

No, we don’t have control over such things as sickness and decease, an unfaithful spouse, divorce, children who don’t want to follow Jesus or obey God—but we do have a choice in how we are going to respond and handle the uncontrollable things of life.

And then there are the many things we do have control over, yet we sit and do nothing to make change.

Why is that? Why do we as Believers prefer to stay in a bad place versus make change?

Some of us like living in the “same old doo doo” because it gives us something to talk about. It has become our normal and a comfort zone for us. Yes, there are those of us in the Kingdom who relish being the martyr or victim. We thrive off the sympathy of others, and rebel at sound Biblical advice that would help us make change in our lives.

There will always be baby Christians among us (people get saved everyday) and it does take time for them to get their bearings before they begin to grow in the things of the Lord. We also have those that need more time to get serious. (That was me. Jesus was my Savior but not my Lord right away.) And then we have the ones who just love staying where they are. It is easier for them to waddle in the doo doo of their lives versus work to make change. We all know someone like that or maybe if we take a good look in the mirror we’ll see, it’s us!

God made women to be nurturing and compassionate creatures. But what we do with our nurturing and compassion often lies solely upon us. And are we always the wisest in how we use these attributes? Maybe not.

One of the biggest injustices we can do to each other is become enablers for those who need a swift kick! A spiritual kick that is. J

I’ve seen it time and time again, in real time and on Facebook, that person who is always complaining about their lives and other people—consistently the martyr. Yet, they profess to be a Christian and have been for years…but there is no growth or real fruit. And what do friends and family do? Pour out the sympathy. And that is exactly what they are looking for—this is what they feed off. And let one person step up and say what needs to be said, and they are counted as insensitive and unfeeling. (Even the truth in love, may not be pleasant.)

One day I woke up and didn’t want to live in the same old doo doo different day anymore. But it took time and people praying for me to get to that point. And then one day I had to learn not to be an enabler for others.

When a person is not ready to make change there is nothing we can really do about it, except pray for them and continue to give them sound Biblical advice. But we must stop petting folks up—enabling them to remain comfortable to stay where they are.

True, we must be kind to one another, but we must also care enough to not want to see a sister waddle in her mess. Would we let a baby wear the same soiled diaper day after day? No, because eventually it would not only be painful for them but become toxic—same for us!

What I have learned over the years, is when you continue to speak God’s truth to someone who claims to be a Believer yet wants to stay where they are, one of two things happens. Either there is change or they leave you alone.

Without a doubt we all know doo doo stinks! But like most odors, if you are around them long enough, you can become so used to it that it no longer offends you. And that’s what has happened to some of the Saints! Waddling in the poop of “woe-is-me”, we’ve become immune to the stench and what it really looks like to others.

If you are an enabler, it’s time for a new strategy to help the one you have been enabling.

And sisters, if you love playing the martyr or victim, and are always singing the “somebody-done-me-wrong song” it’s time you get over it and make change in your life.

When we are always complaining and crying the blues and yet confess to be a Jesus follower it’s a poor example to the world.  When we perpetuate a life, which to onlookers is so hard and joyless—why should they want our Jesus? And most of all, we end up living a life void of all the Cross affords us—and that’s a lot!

Same old “Doo Doo” different day shouldn’t be the life of any Believer. It is by choice only!

Let us remember the words of our Father, “I put before you life and death. Choose life!”

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie