This first posted September 1, 2010.
Contrary to popular belief – men and women can be just friends. I’m not talking about that kind of stuff where someone has been a lover and now you want to remain friends and become friends of the new girlfriend or the new boyfriend. That is a worldly concept and a bunch of mess. I’m talking about two who belong to God. Let me say that again, “Two who belong to God!”
I have a friend who is like a brother to me. We’ve known each other about 13 years and have been friends for close to 11 of those 13 years. And, “No” we have never been romantically involved and “No” he is not gay! But what he is, is a man of God. He just doesn’t say he’s is, he lives it. And that is very important my dear sisters. I want to share a little about our relationship (yes, I have his blessing) because we have lived out a great godly love for one another. And if we can do this, so can others because we all serve the same God whose desire is for us to live a holy life unto Him.
We’ll call him Jim. When I first met Jim it was in a Christian environment. We kept running into each other around other people and I could see that there was something different about him. For one, he was single had a lot going on for himself and yet he seemed to be oblivious to the women that kept circling like vultures because they deemed him, “a good catch.” He was too cool to be gay, so what was it about this guy? What I saw was the anointing on his life. And without a spiritual eye, you would have just thought it was his natural persona. ~Smile~
As time went on our friendship just sort of happened. No dates, no fantasies, no crushes, it just happened. So sorry if you thought there might be some romance in my story, because we all know that I love to write stories. In fact I consider myself to be a great storyteller, but today my dear sisters; I want you to get this in the reality of which it lives.
The first time we hung out was at a computer show, and Tovah was with us. It was just friends hanging out. I knew several people who knew him and they vouched for him as a man of valor with a heart for God. I didn’t meet him and then have to try to guess who he was so. I was privy to the inside track. Why? Because God would not have any of us to be deceived. Remember we have an enemy who is a great deceiver, just read what Eve had to say about him. Plus Tovah was used to being around him already through a school and church environment.
As time passed we began to hangout more and more, especially after he found out that I was a woman of discretion and not desperate for a man. See, I wasn’t trying to hook him—at all! He didn’t have the luxury of people vouching for me and my character; he had to wait to see who I really was.
Let me fast forward and sum it all up for you. Over the years we have been to the movies umpteen times with and without Tovah, car trips, all different aspects of live theater, play cards at my house, eat out, eat in (at my place) and just a lot of hanging out. We do fireworks most 4th of Julys, and a host of other fun stuff. But it is just that, plain fun. Most of the time we are impromptu with things we do, sometimes tickets are purchased in advance and also forgotten…LOL!! And we have a great love and respect for one another. And best of all, Tovah has been able to witness the gift of our friendship. She knows without a doubt that men and women can be “just” friends. And I can’t leave out the best part of our relationship and that is he has the gift of helps and he has been very instrumental in helping me over the years in ministry. It is nothing for him to help me pickup women who need to be rescued or take them places they need to go. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to help me and there are no strings attached to his love for me and Tovah. Yeah, it is the pure love that Timothy talks about…treat older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (see Timothy 5: 1-3 NIV). And the flip side of that coin is that I treat him as a brother with absolute purity. The purity that Timothy speaks of is “Purity of heart” and that is what we have toward each other and our relationship.
On thing I have learned over the years, and that is most people do not believe that a heterosexual male and a female can just be friends, “No”, not even in the Church do they just let you be friends. You get questions like, “Well, what’s going on with you and Jim?” Or I loved it when I had a new girlfriend and one day when we were just hanging out and having fun, she asked out of the blue, “What’s wrong with Jim?” I’m like, “What?” “You know, what’s the story, how come you two haven’t hooked up?” It was too funny, but it was also sort of the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So, now I always refer to him as my brother with people who don’t already know him. That way folks hear me talk about “my brother” and when they met him (we don’t look like we are related) that’s when I share that he is my brother in the Lord. Well, by then they don’t have any preconceived ideas or notions about us because they only heard “my brother”.
Sisters, the key to having a male friend in the Lord is that you are not searching for him. You are not one who is desperate for a man or to be married. As Elisabeth Elliot says, “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him in order to find her.” Stop listening to a world racked with sin as to how your life should be. Don’t allow the well meaning sisters in the church who keep saying dumb things like, “We gotta get you married” or push you to feel desperate or unhappy about your position as a single (unmarried) woman. STOP listening to the voices! Learn to be content in your season of life. Now my situation is unique because we are both destined to be single, but I have friends who are married, that had the same type of friendship with their husbands before marriage. In fact one of my friend’s was having such a good time living the life God had given her as a single woman that when her husband asked her to marry him, she wasn’t sure she wanted to get married? God had to tell her, “He’s the one.”
I have been very blessed to have my friend “Jim” and that my daughter thinks of him as an uncle after all these years, but don’t take that I’m telling you to bring men into the lives of your children. In fact, I warn you very strongly to be very careful about that. It takes time to get to know people, and never rush into anything with anyone. A friend of mine shared that her pastor preaches that single women with children when being courted should spend a year of courtship before ever bringing their children into the relationship. And when I think about that, it makes an awful lot of sense to me. Sometimes as single moms, women are too quick to try to have some type of family and jump to incorporate men into their lives and the lives of their children. This is not good sisters. Why? Because you are to never intentionally let a wolf into the hen house. Why? Because he will destroy them. And Jesus warns us that there are wolves in sheep’s clothing “deceivers” and we are to be aware.
Today I wanted to share how you can be just friends with the opposite sex, but there is a criteria for it to work. First your heart must belong to God, and you are trustworthy. Meaning, you won’t drop God like a hot potato when a man comes a calling. And you will take things slow, allowing God to order your steps and be willing to walk where He leads. There are times when friendships turn into love and marriage, and then there are times when friendships just continue to grow in the realm of friends.
Sisters, God is in control and when we let go of the reigns, step back and allow Him to be God, life has the potential for the sky to be the limit!
Love & Hugs
See you tomorrow
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