Oh No! It Can't Be!

"Today is Sunday, Sept 12, 2010, fifteen days before my 40th birthday.

I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom and found a lump in my breast. A lump—in my breast! Can’t be! I checked again and again and several more times afterwards but nothing changed. There’s a lump in my breast.

I called my sister who is an oncology nurse and told her my discovery.

And then I checked again. It was still there.

I texted my friend Stacy, “I won’t be able to make it to book club today.” And told her I would explain later.

Do I cancel my birthday party? Don’t feel like celebrating much now. No, don’t cancel! Wait and see what happens.

I’ll call my doctor tomorrow. Tomorrow! That’s a whole day away. Lord, you are my strength.

I’m afraid! But the Lord is my strength.

These are the words that I wrote on Sept 12th - one of the scariest days of my life.

The 12th started out like any other Sunday. My alarm was set for 7am for me to get up and get ready for church. I laid there in bed for an extra 10-15 minutes until my bladder forced me to the get up. Went to open the door to my bedroom to go wake the kids and that's when I found IT! The LUMP! A simple gesture like opening a door led to my arm sweeping across my left breast and feeling a lump.

My emotions immediately went wild. “Wait a minute! Where did this come from? What does this mean?! So many thoughts raced through my mind like a whirlwind. I have two maternal and one paternal aunts who are all breast cancer survivors as well as one great aunt. Breast cancer runs in my family. I'm also overweight and I’ve never been pregnant. All of these things put me in the "high risk category" for Breast Cancer. Because of these risk factors, I have always taken the necessary precautions such as making sure to do my monthly self breast exams and having yearly exams by my physician. I had my baseline mammogram at age 35 and already had a script to have the exam done around my 40th birthday to signal the beginning of my yearly routine. So accidently finding a lump just didn't make sense. This can't be good.

I prayed and cried a lot that day. “Lord, Why?” I didn’t ask, “Why me,” just why?” “What does this mean?” I thought my purpose for this season was clear...one of which was to homeschool Mali. “How can I homeschool Mali if I am going through this?” “Is it your Will for me to just suffer through this (a trial) or are you preparing me for my transition?” What about these kids that You gave to me? Are You going to take me away from them?” “Lord, I know I surrendered EVERYTHING to you and committed my will to Yours but why THIS?” “Why now—especially when I’m planning a great celebration for my milestone birthday?!”

First thing Monday morning, I called my doctor's office. My doctor wasn't in and I couldn't get an appointment until the following week. A WHOLE WEEK! Surely if this was cancer, it would spread in a week’s time! UGH! (Yes, the enemy was feeding me all kinds of negative thoughts!) Since I couldn’t see a doctor, I sought out advice from the next best thing—the Internet! I spent a LOT of time on the internet! Time I should have been praying and reading the Word. Sisters, let me tell you, the internet allows us to have instant information at our fingertips and it can be very useful in most situations but in MY situation; it was used as a tool of the enemy! By the end of a full day of internet surfing, I had already mapped out the worst case scenario and started preparing my treatment plan. My peace in the Lord was starting to turn to FEAR.

It wasn’t until Tuesday morning that I pulled myself away from the internet long enough to hear the Holy Spirit said, ”Enough is Enough! What are you doing? How much longer will you consult the internet instead of consulting the One who already knows His plans for you?” Whoa—talk about a moment! While the discovery of “the lump” was a BIG surprise to me, it wasn’t to God! He had a plan for me and no matter what; it has to be a good one. It was then that I got up, started my daughter on her lessons and then went to my Bible to spend some time with the Lord. I’m glad I did because I was immediately given this scripture—Matthew 10:27-31, but it was verse 31 that spoke to my heart the most, “So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

“Don’t be afraid” He said—okay God’s got this! Yes, no matter what—God has my back!

Wednesday morning—same routine as the previous day but the one thing that was different, God spoke to my heart in a way that I received a breakthrough. 1 Peter 1:6 (NLT) So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.

Tears began to stream from my eyes. The Lord couldn’t have showed me any more clearly that, despite my current circumstances, He was with me and assuring me that all is well! Here I was walking around broken and discouraged. Ready to cancel my birthday celebration, but the Lord told me, “Don’t be afraid and for me to be glad!” He also pointed out there WILL be trials—but our faith must remain strong. He isn’t saying “IF there are trials but WHEN there are trials.” Yes, I was in the midst of a trial when God’s Word gave me the assurance that everything was going to be okay! It was at this very moment that I served the enemy notice that I was NOT afraid and I was NOT a Wimp! And that the battle is on and the LORD is on my side!!

Oops, I have gone past my time! Sorry to cut this short but I promise to come back and fill you in later about the outcome of my test results and my response.

Until the next time....



Be blessed Sisters!
Sasha

I will be back on Monday, October 18th, hope to see you then!


Tuesday's Blog: will be guest writer, Marcia (Mar-cee-ah) Stehouwer from Calgary, Alberta Canada" please stop by.