Lately I’ve been feeling a little blue and disconnected in life and yesterday it tried to overtake me. I think it started with not having had a goodnight’s sleep for 3 nights in a row. I found myself waking up about every 2 hours and by 4:30am I was wide awake and not able to go back to sleep. It seems that I kept dreaming about things I’ve secretly been anxious about. It was one of those times I really needed to talk to someone, but—I couldn’t get in touch with the one person I knew would be a good listener and have great godly wisdom concerning my dilemma. After the 3rd try and no answer, I knew then that somehow God wanted me to talk to Him. BUT, I didn’t want to pray, I needed to talk so that I could hear myself think things through. You see, the Holy Spirit has been bringing things to the surface and I needed to face as much of it as I could handle in one setting. That is why I couldn’t pray about it, I really wasn’t sure what it was? It was all meshed up inside of me. What was I to do now? I needed some sort of immediate release or I thought I would just scream. Now that might have worked if I were somewhere that others wouldn’t have been frightened or concerned by my screaming, but I live in the city, and blood curdling screams often prompt my neighbors to call the police. So what did I do? I wrote to God.
I was sitting on the side of my bed when I grabbed a composition book and started writing. There was nothing elegant about my words; it all came straight from my heart, emotions and mind. It was open and honest. I wasn’t concerned with what God thought about my writing and I didn’t have to worry about my spelling, grammar or punctuation. None of that mattered one bit. My biggest concern was to keep writing as fast as I could through all the tears. I really don’t like writing longhand and write all my blogs by typing them out on the computer. I took shorthand back in high school (the late 60”s) but I only half remember it, so when I have to take notes, it is a combo of the real stuff and my stuff. ~Smile~ But I was moved to write everything out in longhand, no shortcuts, no abbreviations.
The exact details of what I wrote is between me and God, but I will share that writing down on paper what I felt helped to soothe the rage and sadness. I was able to tell God how bad I felt and in doing so, I could see in some respects, why? But then on the other hand, I asked God more than once, “Why?” I want to know, “Why me?” “How come and how long?” It felt good to talk about something that after 18 years seemed to be getting harder. It really helped me to say that “Today” I didn’t feel I wanted to go on anymore. I could feel the pressure ease as I questioned God as to why I had ever been born. I think that some of you understand that question especially if your childhood was one that scarred you for most of your life. I was able to write that I was tired of caring for and encouraging others but others not caring about me. I wasn’t ashamed to cry and say that as a mother I often felt like a failure as to the task that God has given me. And the letter went, on, and on, and on!! And at the end, I felt so much better!! God, the Messiah and Holy Spirit had all listened to me open my heart, display my fears and doubts and cry my eyes out all at the same time. They didn’t interrupt me, they didn’t give me Bible verses, they didn’t tell me clichés or give me a formula of how I can get God to move on my behalf. Nope, they just listened intently. And that was what I needed at that moment.
No, this is not the end, because God always responds to us, and I wrote for one half an hour to Him, and I know that He is going to address every single thing with me. How He will do that I’m not sure, but I know it will take time. Yet, I am happy about all of this, because now that I have admitted my true feelings and stirred up a hornets nest, so to speak, I can begin to get to the root of the problem. Most of the stuff I talked about are symptoms of something much greater.
I shared this today, because I know that on any given day, we as God’s daughters have feelings about life we might be ashamed to confess in a public forum or think we can hide from God. But the truth is we can’t hide anything from Him. The Lord was not upset with what I said, in anyway. Why? It was old news to Him. I was the one that had to come to grips with what was in my heart. Will He punish me for anything that I said or felt? Nope! Through His loving kindness He is going to help me through this season in my life. In fact, He knew that this was the time for Him to pull these things out, so that we could sit down together and begin to sort through all of it and put things in order.
Yes, my life is very hard right now and has been most of my life, but that is not unique to say the least. I don’t see anyone in the Bible whose life was all that easy. Even the greats of the Bible had hard times, trails and tribulations. I would have to say that Job caught it the most. He did absolutely nothing other than be a man that God knew could stand the test. Will things get better for me? I have hope that it will, but I am trying to learn that even if they don’t, to continue to live a life that trusts God. Meaning that even if He chooses not to change my circumstances, accept His way as best for me.
Sisters, I pray that I have encouraged you who are experiencing a heavy heart about life, to talk to God about what you are feeling in an open and honest way. If you are angry with Him, then say it, because if you are, you need to take a look at why? God is not going to be upset because you express that you are angry, hurt, tired and fed-up! Nope! He already knows. But He needs you to bring it to Him so that it can be worked out. In other words—we have to fess up to what’s on our minds and heart.
Love & Hugs
Ponnie
Wednesday's Blog: Ponnie "Single and Loving
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