FORGIVEN.....

Jonathan cringed as he saw the big red circle around the 25th. It was a great reminder of how each year had gotten worst than the year before. He and Antoinette had been married close to 5 years now, but had known each other for almost 8. But he didn’t notice until after they were married, how April 25th was such a bad time for Toni. (That’s what he called her.)

One day in their first year of marriage he came home one day to find her sprawled across the bed in tears. She couldn’t seem to explain why she was so sad. His mother told him to let her be, because sometimes women are weepy and can’t explain why. Also, his mother got a little excited because that if often a symptom of being pregnant. The next day, Toni was almost back to her old self and that was the end of that—until the following year….

He called her at work to see if they could met for lunch only to find she had left already for the day, saying she had a family situation. Jonathan was frantic, what could have happened that he didn’t know about. Toni didn’t answer her cell or the home phone. Jonathan left work early to go home and check on her. He found her in bed with all the blinds closed and the room dark. She looked as if she had been crying all day. Again she couldn’t explain what was going on. His mother gave the same advice that he just let her be and give her time. Toni called out from work the next day, but by time Jonathan came home she had fixed a great dinner and acted as if nothing had happened the day before.

When it happened again, Jonathan was beside himself. Toni was moody for a couple of days and then she didn’t get up for work, explaining she had taken a long weekend. Jonathan thought it would be fun to hangout with her and offered to take a personal day, seeing how it was Friday. But Toni’s reaction was so strong against him staying that she hurt his feelings. That evening he came home to find her snoring with an empty bottle of wine on the nightstand. That was it! He had to get to the bottom of what was going on with her. When he talked to his mother about it, she didn’t shrug it off this time. She mentioned that it was the same date each year. Jonathan hadn’t taken notice to that, but his mother had. April 25th of each year is when Toni shut her husband and the world out to mourn. But mourn what?

Sandra, (Jonathan’s mother) was a big Pro-Life activist in her church. She worked with an organization called “Alpha Pregnancy Services”. Their upcoming fund raising banquet was being held on Saturday, April 25th this year and Jonathan had suggested that he and Toni go to support his mom. But as the date drew closer, Toni kept trying to find ways to get out of it. Jonathan and Sandra both were determined to try to keep Toni out of the house that day.

Jonathan started Saturday morning off by taking Toni out to brunch and a matinee. She was quiet and very distant, but Jonathan felt it was better than leaving her to drink and cry all day. They hung out at the mall after the movie until they had just enough time to go home and change. Toni tried to beg off going to the banquet because she was just too tired after such a long day, but when Jonathan agreed and said they could stay home together, she jumped in the shower to get ready. Even with makeup, Jonathan could see that she had been crying, but he pretended not to notice.

They were seated at a table with 8 other people, who knew Sandra some way or another, and there was quite a bit of chatter and conversation during dinner, yet Toni seemed a million miles away.

Toni was happy when the program finally started so that everyone would stop trying to make light conversation with her. Why couldn’t she have had this day to herself, as she had for the past 9 years?

Applause jolted Toni back to her surroundings and the fact that her husband was gently squeezing her hand. How she loved him, but dreaded the thought of what he would think of her if he knew her dirty little secret. The tears weld in the corners of her eyes, as she heard the current speaker say, “Hi my name is Mary and I’ve had an abortion.” It was as if someone had taken a stake and drove it through her heart. For one brief moment she couldn’t breath—she jumped from her seat and ran sobbing from the room. It was a good thing she had used the ladies room when they first arrived because she knew to run downstairs. Toni was grateful no one was in the lounge and she was able to cry in peace, but then after a few minutes she felt the gentle touch of her mother-in-law’s arms around her. Toni leaned against her and cried like a baby.

When it seemed as though there were no more tears left, Sandra asked her what was wrong? But Toni only shook her head, and more tears seemed to come from nowhere.

Sandra held her close to let her know that she cared, and when she felt the time was right she asked again, “What’s wrong?” Toni replied through sobs and hiccups, “You will hate me.” Sandra reassured her that she could not hate her and asked her to take a chance on trusting her. Toni shared that today was the 10th anniversary of the baby she had aborted. And more tears came. But what happened next was a great shock to Toni. Sandra pulled away so that she could look Toni straight in the eyes, and told her, “I’ve had an abortion too.” Then they fell into each others arms and cried together.

Later on that night Toni was able to tell Jonathan what had happened10 years ago. She had just started college on a 4 year scholarship when she became pregnant and the father didn’t want anything to do with her when he found out. He let her know in no uncertain terms that he had his whole life ahead of him and it didn’t include her and a baby. She was scared and didn’t know what to do and her roommate convinced her that an abortion was her only solution. Sandra has lived with regret and unforgiveness from the moment she left the abortion clinic. She deemed herself a “murderer”. That was also the same day she gave up on God ever loving her again and though she went through the motions of going to church, there was no relationship with the Lord.

Toni was grateful to Sandra, because she shared how she had an illegal “back alley” abortion in the early 60’s, and it took becoming a Christian to understand that she was forgiven and that God did love her. She shared that after she married Jonathan’s father her gynecologist told her she would never have children because of the scaring and she felt it was God’s punishment for her sin, but then one day she became pregnant with Jonathan, and she experienced God’s great mercy. Two years later she was pregnant again and the baby was still born, but Sandra knew that it was not a punishment of God, it was life and that His love for her had not changed.

The 10th year anniversary of April 25th, now had new meaning to it — such a burden had been lifted from Toni as she no longer held the dirty little secret of her abortion which had weighed her down for years. But most of all was the great hope her heart felt because she now held hope to have a real relationship with God. And the fear that one day He wasn’t going to get her for what she had done was gone. Toni was going to attend a 10 week Bible study for women who had had an abortion that Alpha sponsored. She wanted to be FREE and understand God’s forgiveness for her!

The characters in this story are fictional, but the act of abortion is not. And it is a dirty little secret of the Church. Alpha Pregnancy Services (www.alphapre.org) is a Christian organization that helps women find alternatives to abortion and so much more. They are located in the city of Philadelphia. But most major cities have Christian Pregnancy Centers and they are often listed in your yellow pages under “abortion” or you can Google them.

Whether you have had an abortion and are plagued by guilt or you find yourself pregnant and scared, God loves you and there is help for you. You don’t have to suffer in silence or alone.



Love & Hugs
Ponnie

Monday's Blog: Sasha, "Healthy Lifestyles