Advice "versus" Opinion

I am in love my twitter account! At any given moment I can look on my phone and be encouraged beyond measure in the things of the Lord! I follow a few choice people and all they do every day is encourage the saints to have a closer walk with God! And one of my favs is Pastor Jerry Snider of Christian World Church. The stuff he writes daily is profound and thought provoking. I like being challenged to think.

One day he wrote “Opinions are the lowest commodity we have!” I had to stop and think what a commodity was—Commodity: something that is of value or worth. Hum, he was right.

In the court of public opinion, Jesus was thought to be a lush and a glutton. There was no truth in this at all, but it just goes to show how dangerous opinions can be. When we think about it, what are stereotypes other than opinions?

Lately, I’ve been working on keeping my opinion to myself when not asked for or if I don’t agree in general with someone. Why? It keeps me out of trouble. Voicing our opinions can cause conflict. We can be offensive (even if we don’t mean to be) condescending, and come off as a know-it-all. “And for what” I ask? Is it worth offending or wounding another just to get our point across? Of course not! So, why bother putting it out there? I love how the Message translation of the Bible puts Romans 14:1…[Cultivating Good Relationships] Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

My youngest daughter will often call to ask my opinion about things. Of course I love this because it means she still values my input at times. I say at times, because let me start giving it when not asked for or wanted and it is a different story. Moms, I know you understand what I’m talking about. ~Smile~ Now, if it has to do with clothing, makeup, jewelry, boys or spending money, I will give my opinion. But when it has to do with life changing decisions, I have to give her godly advice based on what the Word of God has to say. I do this because she has to work it out on her own, but I give her the best information I can—a reminder of who she lives for and her need to seek and please Him. In times like these, my opinion or anyone else’s is the last thing she needs.

Having to interact constantly with someone who always has an opinion becomes tiresome. It can cause you to stop sharing and turn a deaf ear to what they have to say. I know it does for me. When we move into the know-it-all phase of life, and have opinions about everything, pride is often the motivating factor. Why is it then so many of us feel the need to voice our opinions on Facebook on other people’s statuses—especially when we disagree? The truth is—everyone has an opinion so what makes ours more profound or greater than anyone else? Nothing really! When we think about it, what great purpose does an unwanted opinion accomplish, other than fulfilling some misguided need we have within ourselves?

As daughters of the King we should be more purposeful in helping others (not with our opinions) but with godly advice when needed. But even then we should do it in love and gentleness.

Sisters, if being opinionated is your style, maybe it’s time for a change in the way you talk to people. Change is good…it is a valuable part of growth. This is what our Christian walk is all about—striving to look more and more like the Messiah. He never steamrolled anyone—why should we?

If I were to write a proverb, it would go something like this…Godly advice should always be welcomed, but opinions most often should be left unspoken. Amen!

See you next week and be blessed!!

Love & Hugs
Ponnie

Be Sure To Taste Your Words Before You Use Them - Part III

James 1:19, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Taking a moment to taste our words beforehand gives us time to judge how bitter or sweet they may be and choose whether or not to serve them. Being slow to speak keeps us from sin.

Our tongues like anything else in this world has a flipside to God’s intended use. We can use it to build up or tear down. It has the potential to be, lying, boastful, accusing, gossiping, slanderous, and or cursing. Or it can be a soothing ointment to a wounded spirit, helpful, encouraging, and full of blessings. But the power lies within us whether or not we are going to use it to be a tree of life or crush a spirit.

Growing up in a home of physical, emotional and mental abuse, I know all too well what harm a mother’s slanderous, mean spirited and hateful words can do to the spirit of a child. My mother’s daily communication of how I was useless and meaningless as a human being took its toll at a very young age—even more so than the beatings. I grew up to be a very wound bird until the love of Christ showed me how wrong she was. I share this because I know some of you have lived the same type of life and some of you find yourselves in the same role as my mother. The abuser! Why? Hurting people hurt others and there is healing needed in your life.

I stated in last week’s blog, anger and unforgiveness are root causes for hurtful and cutting words. And once spoken, once put into the air, we are never able to take them back. I have long forgiven my mother and I am healed of the great pain and damage her words did, but there are still times, the enemy tries to use them against me, and I am 60 years old.

As daughters of the Most High, we must continually strive to be like the Proverbs 31 woman… When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly." Proverbs 31:26 (MSG)

It is very important our speech is worthwhile—valuable and of great use and service. They need to be beneficial , rewarding, advantageous, positive, helpful, profitable, gainful, fruitful, productive, lucrative, constructive, effective, effectual, and meaningful to others. This is why it is so important we take a moment to make sure we will be building up and not tearing down before we open our mouths.

Usually our families and those closest get the words we don’t take time to taste beforehand. At work or in public we aren’t necessarily as quick to say what we are feeling at the moment. But at home it can be a different story. We yell at our children out of frustration and disrespect our husbands in our anger. How often have you said something you have regretted? We are all guilty! But it is still not an excuse to continue allowing our tongues to have rule in a way that is not pleasing to God and harmful to others.

I live on the Northeast corridor of the USA, so if I were to plant a rose bush in December with below freezing temperatures it would die. It would yield nothing because it was planted out of season—same with our words. Timing is everything! Proverbs 15:23 says, “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!” There is a time to be quiet and a time to speak and we need to know the difference, because even when what we are saying is truth and good, if out of season—nothing beneficial is produced.

There was a period when I found myself constantly in verbal arguments with my youngest daughter’s father. I was at a point in my walk with God I knew something had to change for me. I was sick of it!! The Holy Spirit led me to study the book of Proverbs. Using a paperback version of “The Living Bible” I highlighted everything concerning the tongue, speech, talking and my words with colorful markers. Not only was it eye opening, but also helped me change to the point where he could no longer bait me into arguing with him. Well, most times that is…LOL! And it made for a wonderful study guide anytime I needed to be reminded of how I am to handle my words and control my tongue. All I had to do was reread all the highlighted scriptures.

Sisters, next time you are tempted to scream at your kids, jump in your husband’s face, or argue your point to someone, take a moment to taste your words and remember Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

If you feel led to do the Proverbs study, I guarantee, you will be blessed. One chapter a day until you finish. Not only will you learn how to watch your words, but reading Proverbs will enlighten you in more ways than you can imagine! Amen!

Next week’s blog expounds on our words a little more, “Advice versus Opinions”….be blessed!!

Love & Hugs
Ponnie

Why Are You Yelling? Part II

James 1:19, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”

Nope you didn’t miss “slow to speak” I have taken them out of order because anger and unforgiveness can be a root as to why we don’t stop and think about what we are getting ready to say.

Anger….a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility, rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability and the list goes on! If I were to list all the different variables for anger we could call it the 50 Shades of Anger. Anger can be a mild form of irritation or full blown burst of rage. Either way, it spells trouble!

Earlier this year I went to a brunch with a friend and found myself very disappointed. For the price it was not what I was used too and when we arrived all the food was gone. It was only one half an hour from when it started and was scheduled for 2 hours. When more food did come out I didn’t eat anything and barely got a cup of coffee so I asked for my money back. At this point I was in the realm of “displeasure”. At the time the person in charge had her hand on my shoulder and I could feel her take an extremely deep breath, pause and then answered, “Sure Sister Ponnie, you can have your money back.” I really did appreciate her taking that deep breath before answering, because if she had not agreed, there was the grave possibility my displeasure would have crossed over to irritability, and irritability is just not a good color on me. But her soft and agreeable answer was just what the situation needed.

Cussing and throwing things at your husband, most defiantly falls in the realm of “Rage”! Throwing his clothes onto the lawn is vexation. Shaking your child and beating them while yelling insults and curses is a rage that is out of control. It is sin at its ugliest.

Calling anyone who will listen to you assassinate and destroy a person’s character because they have wronged you is an anger fueled by unforgiveness.

Some of us have deep rooted anger that has been festering for many years. When you own this type of anger it becomes your everyday filter. It’s always with you. Telling you it is okay to be rude and sharp tongued. It cosigns how critical you are of others, yet never allows you to accept constructive criticism with grace and love.

There is a large group of us who are just overwhelmed with life. Dealing with the stresses of caring for a sick parent, the daily challenges of single parenting, you wish your husband would do more, stuck in a job you hate, or life is nothing like you had hoped.

Do you find yourself easily angered with those closest to you? Do you quickly give into the emotions fueled by your anger? Are you rude, mouthy and disrespectful to your husband? Do you scream at your children a lot? Is everyone in your house walking on eggshells, because the smallest of things will set you off? If so, it’s time for things to change!

Personally I can go from 0 to 80 with the snap of my fingers with my 20 year old daughter. Most of it stems from my frustration with her not doing things in the manner I expect, or her answering me back. We are in that peculiar stage where she is no longer a child, but not as grown as she thinks she is. Like most college students she is still very dependent on me, but at the same time she is moving into discovering who she is as a young woman. Our time together is sporadic because she lives on campus and we see each other here and there until the summer and then we are back to living together. With each passing summer there seems to be more of an adjustment needed because not only is she changing, but so am I.

My daughter hates when I raise my voice at her and truthfully so do I. It doesn’t feel good when I’m angry with her, especially when I have flown off the handle. How do I plan to change this? Prayer and better communication for both of us. And without a doubt some deep breaths on my part! I am so looking forward to the summer of 2014 being different and much better as we move forward in our relationship reflecting the love of Christ in all aspects.

God is never pleased when we behave poorly and we shouldn’t be either. We can’t allow anger to rule and be justified as acceptable because of the circumstances that invoked us. We must take a long look as to why we are struggling with anger in our lives, no matter how small or how big.

Proverbs tells us “an angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins”. We don’t want to be that person, we should rather desire to be a I Peter 3:3-4 kind of woman…” 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Sisters, it is time to kick the urge to go from 0 to 100 because anger has rule over us. It is time to take deep breaths, pause and respond to people in a way that is pleasing to God and beneficial to others. Amen!

Next week: All about being slow to speak, until then….be blessed!!

Love & Hugs
Ponnie

Don’t Ever Forget—It is Best to Listen Much! Part I

James 1:19, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. We will be taking a look at this scripture for the first 3 Fridays in September, please be sure to join us each week.

Listening is becoming a lost art of sorts. It seems to have a lot to do with all the new technology which is available to us. We are getting to the place where we’re replacing good old fashioned face-to-face talks or phone conversations, with emotionless emails, instant messaging and texting. I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate it when I’m out with someone and they are engrossed in texting on their phone. I’ve had to come up with a rule—no phones unless it is an emergency or we can’t hangout. It is very rude and people have to be reminded.

It shows just how far we have come from having actual conversation, because most times a quick phone call can handle the situation instead of 20 minutes of back and forth texting. We are no longer good listeners, because there is no skill set necessary to listen to words typed on a screen.

To listen is to hear attentively and pay attention. In my training as a counselor, listening was a skill we really had to work on crafting. We were given exercises on how to focus and listen to the client. One technique was to keep repeating in your head what they were saying and jotting down a note or two on things you wanted to go over with them when they were finished. This way you didn’t give in to the temptation to interrupt. One of the worst things we can do when someone is talking to us is start shaking our heads and going, “Un ha, un ha!” It’s a tell that you want them to hurry up because you have something to say, which means you are also not really paying attention at this point. But it seems the enemy has really duped us when it comes to listening to godly advice or wisdom. We are so quick to defend ourselves instead of trying to hear what they are saying.

When my youngest daughter was a teenager we often found ourselves in conflict when I tried to talk to her about certain things. I couldn’t finish a statement before she was defending herself or trying to turn things around on me. Sound familiar moms? So, I came up with a plan that when we needed to have a talk we each would get 5 minutes to speak and then the other person had 5 minutes to respond. We were not allowed to interrupt the other while they were talking. This did help, but there were still times we had to take a break because I am not a good listener at all when I’m angry or upset. And as all mothers with teens know, they can provoke you unto anger at any given moment! ~Smile~

I must say, that she has grown up to be a pretty good listener even though she may not always be willing to receive what I have to say, but I am proud that we are both growing in the area of mother/daughter serious conversations.

Proverbs 19:20…”Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise”. This proverb has no age boundary; it is for anyone who wants to be wise in the things of God.

Recently while talking to a friend and trying to convey my desire to do mostly “faith based writing,” before I could finish my thought she interrupted to tell me how all my writing was faith based no matter my audience or topic I was writing about. That is a true statement, but in the writing world, “Faith Based Writing” is a term used to clarify a writing genre for religious or Christian audiences. I didn’t bother to tell her what I meant because at that point it wasn’t important. But it made me really think about how important it is to listen and let people finish talking before we jump in. It also prompted me to check myself and see if I too were guilty of doing this same thing. And you know what? I quickly realized I have a tendency of doing it to my 20 year old daughter, especially when she is sharing something new and exciting with me. I was grateful for the experience so that a correction could be made in me. I’m working hard to let her tell what it is she wants to share before adding my two cents.

To become a good listener takes patience and practice. Being quick to listen when someone is trying to help you, takes even more practice, because it is human nature to want to defend and explain ourselves. Everyone who gives advice is not always pure of heart, but it still doesn’t hurt to listen unless they are being abusive. But if you have godly people in your life who love and care for you, be quick to listen, you don’t have to agree with them or do anything with what they have said, but there is a great benefit to listening and if you are always doing most of the talking or constantly interrupting, you do miss out.

One thing we should all take a long look at and that is—how well do we listen to hear God?

Next week’s blog will talk about “being slow to become angry”! Yes, I’ve taken it out of order because anger often plays a huge role in our not being slow to speak.

Another Biblegateway.com challenge for you—search out the world “Listen” (NIV translation) in the book of Proverbs, you will be blessed!

Look for a blog next week, until then….be blessed!!

Love & Hugs
Ponnie