Don't Cry Out Loud

Rose continued to stare at her feet even after Dr. Hanson had called her name twice. “Rose, would you like to tell the group anything about yourself?” she asked again. But Rose chose to ignore her request once again.

As the others began to talk, Rose lifted her head just enough to be able to see a couple of women sitting across from her. They looked normal. In fact none the women looked as if they were crazy, yet all of them were patients in the psychiatric ward of St. Christopher’s Hospital. Without warning Rose threw back her head and started to laugh out loud. Everyone stopped to look at her, and just as the laughter seemed to come from nowhere, so did the tears and screams that followed.

The crisis that Rose now found herself in was long in the making. She had been raised like the Melissa Manchester’s 80’s hit, Don’t Cry Out Loud. “Don't cry out loud, Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings, Fly high and proud, And if you should fall, remember you almost had it alllllll.” She could hear her grandmother’s voice as if they had the conversation yesterday, “You must pull yourself up by the boot straps girl!” “God only helps those who help themselves!” “Don’t let people know your business.” From the time that she was a little girl baking bread with her mother and grandmother every Tuesday, it was drilled into her head that she came from a strong stock of women—who didn’t let life get them down. So when Rose began to suffer from depression, she hid the hurt and pain and held her head high with pride as if everything was coming up roses, exactly as she had been taught to do.

The first signs of real depression started for Rose in her freshman year of college. Her mother began to see the change in her but thought it would pass once she got over being homesick and made new friends. But Rose never did get over being homesick and though she was very likeable, she kept people at a distance. That was a result of her father abandoning her at the tender age of 9 years old and she and her mother had to go and live with her grandmother. She made a decision in her heart then, that she would never allow anyone to hurt that deeply again. Rose’s mother just seemed to forge on in life as the Carlton women have always done. And so did Rose, even though her heart was broken into a million little pieces. They never spoke of her father again.

Graduation day was like a fuzzy dream. Everyone in her family was excited about the fact that Rose was the first women in her family to obtain a college degree, except Rose. There was this sadness in her spirit that she just couldn’t put her finger on, but it had been living with her for years, and today was no different. But Rose painted on a happy face and hid the dark feelings that were beginning to take hold of her a little more each day.

Rose thought maybe she needed to do more with her life, so she signed up with the Peace Corps, to use her degree in sociology. There she met her husband Conrad. The two years they worked together in Honduras were some of the happiest times Rose had ever known, but even then she had days where it was all she could do to be present in mind and not just in body. There always seemed to be a haze to her world or some type of gloom on the happiest of days. Right before their 2 year contract was up, Conrad and Rose got married.

Conrad came home to the position as administrator at a very prestigious Ivy League prep school and he and Rose wanted to start a family. Rose is not sure if the gloom took over after her first miscarriage or the third? But one thing she does remember and that was everyone telling her “You’re young, you can try again.” “Don’t worry, you will have a baby.” “Everything will be okay.” But everything wasn’t okay for Rose, but she didn’t dare tell anyone how bad she was feeling, because that is not what the Carlton women did. She had also been taught that if you were a true Christian and really trusted God, you should never be depressed. So deep down, Rose was afraid to voice how bad she was feeling because it would mean that she wasn’t a real Christian. It would validate that she really didn’t believe and that God would see her as being weak. So, day-after-day, she tried to help herself so that God would one day help her.

Conrad’s days were very full with running the school so, often when he was home with Rose, he didn’t pick up on the painted face she wore for him. Even though many times, the Holy Spirit tried to tell him to pay more attention to his wife. When asked at church how she was doing, Rose like many Christians adopted a Bible verse cliché. “I’m blessed and highly favored,” was always her answer. And yet no one ever called her on that by answering back, “Yes, we are all blessed and highly favored if we belong to the Kingdom of God, but what I want to know, is “How are you?” The days began to turn into weeks, and the weeks began to turn into months and the months began to turn into years.

By age 29, Rose no longer wanted to live. But the only one who knew this dark secret of hers, was God. Because she was home alone most of the day, she was able to drag around and by the time Conrad came home it was often time to go to bed. Her mother and grandmother loved to cook for her and Conrad, so Rose no longer had to make herself cook and when Conrad questioned why she had her night clothes on so early in the evening, she would give the excuse of not feeling well, or she had such a long day. He didn’t seem to notice that she had not gotten dressed all day. But when she showed no interest in having sex, or going out with him and friends, or visiting family—he finally began to see that something was wrong.

Conrad reassured Rose after they left the doctors office that he would help her in anyway needed and he would be there for her. And everyone including Rose thought the pills the doctor prescribed would do the trick. But they didn’t! Rose felt even worse then before. She had very little interest in life at all now and her mouth was constantly dry, no matter how much water she drank. She began to withdraw a little more with each passing day. Conrad noticed that things were getting worse and not any better so he suggested she see a therapist. But by now Rose, just wanted to die. She wanted the pain of life to stop. She felt God didn’t love her and she was probably going to burn in hell anyway, so why continue on. There was no hope left in her.

When Rose awoke to find herself in restraints she was very disappointed to realize she had lived. Through the fog in her mind, she remembered taking all her depression meds, pain killers she had from when she broke her finger, and pain meds that Conrad had for a back injury. Surely all those pills laced with 10 oz of vodka should have killed her. And it would have except Conrad had forgotten to download a report from his laptop at home that he needed for a very important meeting that day, and he came home to find Rose unconscious and all the empty prescription bottles by her side.

Rose could still hear herself screaming as she fell to the floor asking God to help her. The other women in the group sat very still as the therapist instructed them to let Rose have this moment. Rose’s throat still hurt from having her stomach pumped, but finally after so many years of holding it all in, she was now able to express the hurt and pain that she was feeling.

A special note from Sasha Brown: There may be someone who is reading this blog right now who is experiencing the kind of pain/depression/hopelessness that Rose has experienced. Sister, don’t give up....know that God really loves you and wants you to be set free. He wants you to have the joy and the peace that you may have given up on. He has people already strategically set up all around you to help you on your road to recovery but you have to trust Him to do so. My prayer is that the Spirit of God will put into your mind the name of the person, church or facility that you can call right now to ask for help and that He will give you the courage to go to that person or to call that number and tell them that you need help, right now. I’m believing that God has that person on standby that He is giving them the wisdom to take the next steps with you.

There may be someone reading today who knows of someone who is suffering from depression. Don’t ignore it any longer! I pray that today is the day that God gives you the courage to go to that person and that He will also give you the wisdom and knowledge to find the resources that you need to help this love one. I also pray that you will not become discouraged and that your faith is strong to help you endure the process.

National Suicide Hotlines USA
Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK(1-800-273-8255 )


Love & Hugs
Ponnie & Sasha

As the Holy Spirit leads us to tackle more of the issues that women have that are kept under the rug, please look for more special blogs such a this.


Monday's Blog: Sasha, "Healthy Lifestyles"