I WORRY……About the Desires of My Heart

Dear Sisters......

I PRETEND that I am happy and that I have it under control.
I FEEL scared and alone and that I will never reach my goals.
I TOUCH the hem of His garment with my prayers.
I WORRY that I will never receive the desires of my heart.
I CRY when I look in the mirror. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made…by Sasha Brown
(For the entire poem, see “I AM” Monday, June 7, 2010)

When I read Sasha’s blog it touched my heart in such a way that I was inspired to change what I planned to write for today. Because I think that in some point and time in every woman’s life, “we all worry that we will never receive the desires of our hearts.”

I chose today’s picture because I felt it reflected the little girl inside of us who is worried and scared. As women we have a tendency to worry and or be anxious about things. I think that is why the Bible instructs us so much to…“Fear not! Don’t be afraid! Don’t worry! Be anxious for nothing!” God is so aware of our make up that He constantly reassures us, but when reading Sasha’s poem, the words hit something deep inside.

Lately I have been fighting the good fight of faith to just live in “Today.” Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34 (NIV). But I have also secretly been worried if I will ever receive the desire of my heart that I have for the upcoming season in my life. I’ve been a single mother nonstop for 35 years, and when Tovah goes off to college (God willing) next year, I have a desire to be free! What does that exactly mean? I’m not really sure myself what it would all entail, but I do want to move into a place that is more suited for me. I rent a 3 bedroom house and pay utilities and water bill. Last winter was brutal and high gas bills for heat came along with it. I don’t see myself being in this house alone while Tovah is away at college. So I have a secret desire to move into a condo or 55 plus apartments. I also want to be free to come and go as I please and travel to visit some of the people I know in different parts of the United States and Europe. There is a fear this won’t happen for me. You ask, “Why?” Truth is, I’m afraid God, will say He needs me to do something for Him, and that would mean I have to continue to put others before what I want. In other words, I worry that He might say, “No that is not my plan for you.”

Sisters, there are too many of us who are “Worried we will never receive the desires of our heart,” and it’s stopping us from enjoying the life that we have “now”. For single women one of our main desires is to be married, and with each passing day that it looks like that is not going to happen, we begin to worry if it ever will. We worry we won’t have the home that we desire, the education, the job or position. As our childbearing years begin to shorten, we worry we may never have children. We worry if God will give our children husbands and wives or us grandchildren. We even worry about what retirement will look like.

Once I acknowledged there was an underline anxiousness in my spirit about the upcoming year or so, I had to explore and get to the root of “Why?” I know that God has a planned destiny for my life; I just don’t know all the details. And since I am a servant of His, I must do that which He calls me to do. Now I should be excited about that, right?! But there is a little piece of me that is not, because that could mean, “I won’t get to be free.” Don’t worry girls…I have come to my senses…LOL!!

Over the years I have learned that the Lord is the one who gives us the secret desires of our heart. Meaning the more we submit ourselves to Him, the more we live, walk, eat and breathe Him, the more our desires change. And He is the one making those changes. Any desires He puts into our hearts He obligates Himself to fulfill. Now it has taken me sometime to learn this, but I do know it to be true. I had just gotten a little off track. ~Smile~

There was a time in my life I wanted to be married, in fact I’ve been engaged 2.5 times…LOL! The .5 is a story for another time…LOL!! And as I started to get older there was a desperateness that was beginning to move into my heart, until I moved into the place of “Your will Lord. Your will be done in my life.” And He called me into missions for “women and children in crisis” and with that He called me to remain single. And to ensure there was never a struggle again about being married or not being married, He took that desire and replaced it with a joy in serving Him on His terms.

So again, “Why am I worried?” The truth is, I think it is time I had some freedoms and I think I have paid my dues, and I think now should be my time.” In other words, “This is something I feel I should have.” But the reality is, God may also feel the same way, because this is a desire that has been developing just the past couple of years, and though He does have a sense of humor, it is not His nature to play cruel practical jokes on us. So if God has placed (given me) this new desire in my heart then He has obligated Himself to see it through. But if for some reason this is something my soul has dreamed up, then all I have to do is talk to God about it. And since the Holy Spirit has brought it to my attention there is a bit of worry about all I this, I really have no choice but to talk to God about what is going on so that I can eliminate the worry or anxiety. That’s the part of Psalm 37:4 we don’t always talk about, the…“Delight yourself also in the Lord.” We just like the…“He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.” (AMP) Because the delight ourselves in the Lord part, means He might replace our own desires with one of His. And as a human being it is often hard to let go, whether it’s hopes and dreams, people or things.

Today my dear sisters, I want you to stop worrying about if you are going to ever see the secret desires of your heart come to fruition or not. Go to God. Talk to Him about what it is you want and then ask Him if this is what He wants for you too. Don’t be afraid of Him saying “No,” because that is a possibility, but rest assured He has a better plan and a better desire for you. Be bold in saying, “Father if this desire is not of you, then please take it from my heart, so that it will no longer be a problem for me.” If we purpose to focus on delighting ourselves in the things of the Lord, then our love for Him and our desire to please Him begins to supersede our own selfish desires and our desires become His desires.

As for me, I’m going to confess my worry to God, ask Him to forgive me, and focus back on living in each day. The truth of the matter is I may not even be here when the time would arrive that I thought it should be “my time”. In fact none of us may be here, the world is changing so quickly and things are coming into place for the end time, who knows? Do we really know what is in store for next year? No! We don’t even know what is in store for today. It is just getting started.

My dear sisters, I pray that I have inspired you to cast your “worry’ upon the Lord and to begin to think about how God’s desires are always greater than that which we could ever dream or hope. Spend some time talking with Him about your desires and find out what His thoughts are. And in the process, remember to live each day He gifts you as if it were your last. Seek, out the joy and love that is to be found right in front of our noses.


Blessings & Love
Ponnie

I will see you on Wednesday, June 23rd, until then work on casting your cares.


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