I can tell you first hand that I have, and more than once.
In fact it was a lifestyle.
There are many different things which can make us feel this
way, but the most common thread is hard times. The times when it seems that
one thing after another keeps happening to us and everyone else is merrily
living life.
For me it was being raised with a deep root of rejection.
Not being wanted by my mother or father. That will give any kid the feeling of
being flawed. And to be told this, day in and day out only confirms the sneaky
suspicion that it is true.
When I was growing up folks weren’t so quick to call it
quits and breakup their family. Yes, people used to stay together if only for
their kids. And being raised in a single parent household when most of the kids
I knew had two parents, it made life that much harder not having a loving
parent. I’m not singing the “Woe is me blues,” but just trying to set
the stage, because over the years I’ve run into so many women who came from
homes where there was not a loving parent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying
that because you came from a two parent home that it was automatically a loving
environment. No way!
There is nothing loving about a father who sexually abuses
you and your mother does nothing to stop it. There is nothing loving about
having a father who is a drunk and physically abuses you and your mother. There
is nothing loving about a father who rules the house with an iron fist and
everyone is afraid of him. There is nothing loving about a mother who suffers
from mental illness and is allowed to inflict pain upon the family and no one
makes it stop. There is no joy or love in an abusive alcoholic mother. No,
there is nothing loving about a life such as that.
And here is what such a life can do to you—it can make you
doubt God’s love!
During my elementary school days, I had only one friend who
was being raised by a single mom, everyone else in my neighborhood lived in two
parent households. My friends mothers were kind and gentle women and they did
not experience the daily abuse I did. I remember on holidays looking out the
front window as the families packed up their cars to go out on outings and I
was home with my great-aunt who couldn’t read or write. I was lonely, unwanted
and forgotten about—so I thought.
But then to find out one day, there is a God who loves me—shook
my world! As a kid, I could so easily accept Jesus as Savior, but as an adult
it was a totally different ballgame in accepting Him as Lord. But even after I
took the leap to believe, I struggled for years with wondering if God really cared
about me.
It was always during the difficult and hard times, where I wavered concerning God’s love. “Why, why, why Lord, must things be so hard for me?” I
often cried! “If you really love me why has my life been so hard all of my
life?”
As I looked around me, it seemed that so many were doing
much better than me. God was blessing them left and right and I seemed to
continue to be beat down. And all the old feelings of being unlovable would
surface and consume me. Truth is…it was hard to trust a God who let so many bad
things happen to me—starting with my mother and no father!
I found it almost impossible to see God as a father, let
alone a loving one. You see, my father was married to another woman and never
wanted anything to do with me. My only point of reference was—rejection.
My mother never accepted responsibly for the part she played,
and I became the object of her hurt, rejection and disappointment in life. So,
where was this loving God again?
There were times in my life when I felt I was living hard to
please God and then…Bam! Something else would come up that He could have
blocked or not allowed to go down as it did, and I found myself back to feeling—God
really couldn’t care about me.
Those who question if God cares about them are not a
minority or small group. Nope, it is a full blow national and international
sorority. It is one of the biggest and best lies that satan uses against us.
“Yes, God does love her more than you. And you want to know why? Because you
are no good—that’s why!” And until we are healed of our past and decide to
agree with what the Word of God says—we buy into it, time and time again.
Here are some of the truths I had to come to grips with,
which helped me trust God and believe Him. First, I had to believe His love was
so deep, that He sent his Son, who knew no sin to become sin for me! And no, I
was not worthy, but His deep love for me—makes me worthy! But most of all I had
to take responsibility for my poor choices and bad decisions and believe (with all
my heart) that God was working my past and all the bad things in it, together
for my good! (Romans
8:28)
I have spent many years studying the Bible and making the
conscience decision to believe what it says. To try to agree quickly with God
on His commands as to how I am to live to please Him. And through this came the
healing process and forgiveness of my youth and past hurts.
As far as learning to understand a father/daughter relationship,
I had to study what the Bible says about a husband and a wife. I know that
probably doesn’t make much sense to you, (I still have the journal of that
study which took a few years.), but one day, I somehow began to see how the
same love I found in God as a Husband, translated into the same love of God as
a Father. God knew I had a tainted view of what a father was, but since I had
not been married He showed me what a loving Husband is to look like, through
His relationship with Israel and Jesus. It was a private Holy Spirit led Bible
study, and one I shall never forget, because it changed my life forever. It
took me to the place to be able to have a real and authentic relationship with
the One who does love me.
As a mature woman, I look back and see how the hard things
in life have made me a better person in the Kingdom. And since so many women
are scared from their childhoods, God made me a comforter and encourager
because I understand the pain and brokenness of a loveless and abusive home.
But most of all, I am a beacon of hope! Because I also know firsthand, the
healing power of God’s great love.
Sisters, if you are one who still struggles consistently
with believing if God cares for you—I’m a living witness that He does! But it
is up to you to dig into Him, to be healed and freed! No one can do it for
you—it is between you and Him. Jesus has opened the door and made the way, but
it is up to you as to what you are going to do with that.
I am currently studying what it means to be a daughter of
the King, and what Kingdom living truly is. It has taken me years to get to the
point to truly know the God of the Bible. Not the God that others have told me
He is, or even the one I had envisioned or made up in my own mind.
If you are one who finds it difficult to study the Bible,
ask the Holy Spirit for help! I’ve talked to women who say, “The Bible is
boring.” But I tell you, that is a lie from the pit! The Bible is wonderful and
more than that it is our lifeline to the One who cares for us! Amen!
Until next week...
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