We all have things that God immediately starts working on, once we come to Christ. I mean, after all we are all a work in progress—right! But there is something that seems to be a common thread in most women, and that is being “people” pleasers. Yup—I’ve been guilty myself. But God’s desire for all of His daughters (sons too) is to become “God” pleasers—period!
At a young age, I learned that working to please people
offered some type of reward. Such as “atta girl” or “great job”! In the
beginning it seemed to bring positive attention versus being the stupid or
nothing child my mother constantly told me I was. But then again—sin always has
some type of lure with the promise of glory or pleasure.
But after years of working hard to please others hoping they
would like me, or have a good opinion of me, I grew weary. And this was before
Christ. It was just too much work and not enough reward. For one thing people
start to take you for granted.
I learned to bake pretty early on (loved it and was really
good at it) and so for all family dinners I was expected to bring desserts. But not
what I might want to bring—mostly it was my infamous cheesecake or strawberry
short cakes (when strawberries were in season) with homemade whipped cream. As
the years passed, it took the joy out of baking for me.
One time I was asked to make a homemade lemon pound cake,
and I agreed. But in truth I was sick of the whole mess. So, I showed up
without the cake and told the lie, “I baked it, but my cat jumped up on the
table and I caught her licking it.” Yeah, they bought it, but all my family
talked about that night was how they were short a dessert because of my cat.
Don’t get me wrong, these were not dinners where everyone had to bring
something—many of my cousins showed up empty handed all the time and it was
okay. But, it was always a problem if I didn’t bake as requested. I was never
given permission to show up empty handed.
So one day I made the decision to no longer attend dinners
if I had to bake dessert or bring something. Thus began my fade away from
family functions. At the time, I didn’t know how to speak up and be okay about
it. I had years of allowing their accolades to build me up and now I was
experiencing the flip side of that—them tearing me down. “Good girl” if I walked
in with desserts and “Bad girl” if I didn’t!
The beauty of living in the Kingdom of God and finding out
who you are in Christ does make you free—and learning to be a God pleaser
versus a people please is “Freedom” like none we ever experience before Him.
What I found out about myself was that I craved and desired more intimate dinners with people. Not the big huge events I grew up with where I had to work for my meal.
Before I started baking I would be loaned out by my mother
to go help my aunts clean and prepare for the holiday dinners as young as 9
years old. And most often as soon as I ate, I was commanded to go in the
kitchen and start washing dishes for the next round of folks. Until I was grown, I really didn’t know what
it was to not have to work for a meal at someone else’s home. I also had
girlfriends who would ask me to come early and help them prepare for parties
and dinners—work, work, and more work!
But one day I found out—I wasn’t obligated anymore and people
had no choice but to accept that!
I started my own Christmas Eve tradition of hosting dinners
for singles. Why singles? Because I found it was often a very lonely night for those
who didn’t have children or had grown children who didn’t live nearby. I went
all out with seafood and homemade desserts. I loved it! I filled every seat at
the table with guest and served them. It gave me great pleasure to do this. And
when they left, I would sit at the table with the candles still burning, have a
glass of wine and eat my supper. It was always joyful.
To this day, if I have people over, whether for brunch,
lunch or dinner…they don’t lift a finger. But on the other hand, neither do I
when I go to someone’s house. Do people always like this or invite me back?
Nope they don’t. You still have those of the mindset that their guest should
work for their meal. But that is no longer my problem.
Sisters…what “people” pleasing way might be holding you
captive?
Are you one who doesn’t say, “No” when you should? Are you
on so many ministries you don’t have time to enjoy life? Do you do so much for
your family that you are always last and your needs never make it from the back
burner? Do you have friends that take you for granted?
Something to think about, isn’t it?
When you live the lifestyle of a “people” pleaser, you are
never truly happy or fulfilled. In fact it is the opposite. Most likely you
feel used, taken for granted and become resentful. So what holds us back from
changing? Fear! Yes, fear of what people will think or how they will react.
But it’s an easier fix then many of us think. Just work on
becoming a God Pleaser! Yup! The more we work on living a life that pleases the
Father, the less we are held captive to the strings of others. Whatever fulfillment
we hoped to derive from pleasing others, will be filled by Him.
Of course you will run into some resistance once you start
to make the transition. Why? Because those who benefited most from our people
pleasing ways—rebel! But eventually that becomes their problem and not yours.
Amen!
P.S. Eventually my family learned that if I did bring a
dessert it was because I wanted to, but often I came empty handed—just because
I could. J
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