Knowing Yourself

It has taken me years (and I mean years), to learn and know the important and intimate things about myself. 

Like most, I was a product of the world’s thinking to gage what we do as our value or self-worth.

I remember a conversation a few years back with a sister-in-Christ, and she described herself as a “Domestic Engineer,” and I knew what she thought she was saying, but I was perplexed as to why she was saying it?

Domestic Engineer is the one who executes household chores; they are a member of the family that does this as a part of their responsibility. A Domestic Engineer can carry out anything from cleaning to do every day jobs for the family….hum! Where’s the word, mom or wife? See, the world’s way of thinking is so askew, we really must be careful in picking up its jargon and points of view.

She was a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. One of God’s most important positions for women, if not the most important. I called her on it, but in a kind way. Only to let her know that what she was doing was important to God, her husband and her family…no matter what anyone may think. And to please drop the empty title of domestic engineer. But we can see how it's such an easy trap to be snared in.

For years, what I did defined who I was. I spent most of my childhood and teen years listening to how I wasn’t anything and never would be. And my mother wishing I had never been born. And no matter how much I tried to win her acceptance or love—I failed—time-after-time. But then in 1991, I went to my first Women’s Bible Study, and learned that working full time, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan (anyone remember that commercial), was never part of God’s plan for us as women—never!

I was a broken woman who was lonely and desperate. I was puffed up with pride in what I did because I thought it gave value to my life and who I was. I was jealous of those who seemed to be moving past me and envious of the things others had. There was a time I wanted to be married and felt that having a child at the age of 40 had blown that hope to smithereens. I gossiped about others because if made me feel better about my life. And yes, there were those who I looked down on. I was petty, vindictive, selfish and unforgiving. I often gave with the motivation and intent of manipulation to get my way. I pretended often to be something or someone I was not.

I am now a woman who is healed of past hurts and pains. I love to laugh, dance and have fun. I hate shopping or sitting down for hours to watch sports. I love the freedom of cooking only for myself! I’m picky about what movies and TV shows I will watch. And I drink red wine and go out for margaritas at least once a year. I don’t worry about people liking me and I no longer gossip. I don’t have time for drama and foolishness. When I say, ‘No,’ I mean no!” And I don’t explain a lot—only when necessary. I am genuinely happy when I see others do well or excel. And I’m quick to help one in need, looking for nothing in return. I know what I like and what I don’t like and I’m learning to be true to myself!

There was a time I pretended to like golf just to be with a guy. But truth be told, I’d rather pick lint off a sweater with a straight pen, and one eye closed versus watch golf on TV. I must admit though, driving the cart around the golf course and eating and drinking at the club house was better than TV. But it was all still just a farce!

I’m free in the fact I finally know who I am and I’m okay with it! In fact—I love me some me! Am I trying to imply that I’ve arrived? Of course not! As long as I have breath in this body, I will be a work in progress—but knowing who I am and seeing the mighty work God has done and knowing He is not finished, is exciting!

When my now 23 year old went off to college, I started talking about a dream of traveling around the United State of America—my homeland. That’s when a few friends and family started asking about the possibility of marriage one day and how I was still young enough. Well, you should see the look on their faces when I start talking about what a future husband would have to look like...

…for one, he would have be a great cook, or love to eat out. I’m an excellent cook, but I now have the freedom to cook when and if I feel like it without a thought to anyone else. He would also have to be financially set. Why? I’m too old to build something with someone else—and I just don’t want too! And he better love garlic—I eat food with garlic in it just about every day. He wouldn’t be able to take it if he didn’t. He couldn’t be needy or clingy. Those are personality types I dislike in men and women. He would need to have hobbies and things he loved to do outside the house.

You see girls—I like who I’ve become. I could never sit and pretend I was interested in football or golf. And I don’t ever want to hear the words, “What’s for dinner?” again, if they are not coming out of my mouth. I think I’m past the days of washing underwear that doesn’t belong to me. And after having a grandson to clean up behind—I prefer an all girls bathroom anyhow.

Maybe you might think I’m being a little too picky or set in my ways. And if I am, that’s okay because I’ve earned the right. I’ve paid my dues and it’s my time. I was a single mom nonstop for almost 42 years and will turn 64 in a little over 3 months. I think I’ve taken care of other people enough to last a lifetime. And I still see myself traveling around the USA!  

I’m hoping I got a few chuckles as you read about my ideal husband, but on a more serious note—do you really know who you are? And if so, are you happy with her?

The Ponnie who walked into the Women’s Bible Study taught by Pat Betters, 25 years ago, ceases to be! And I praise God for that. Because I see too many women in the Body who carry burdens of brokenness, pain and unforgiveness and it doesn’t have to be that way.

Maybe as you were reading the characteristics of the old Ponnie, something felt a little familiar? Maybe you experienced a little tug at your heart. Or possibly you saw something in the new and improved Ponnie you are struggling to be? As I say all the time, “There’s nothing we struggle with that others aren’t struggling with too.”

Guess where I found the real me?

In the pages of the B I B L E!

Yup!

It's where the yokes were broken, and I learned how to be more like Christ. It's where I learned to be free to be me!

Too many sisters in the Body of Christ are sad, and this should not be. Anything in your life you don't like can be changed. It will either be changed through different circumtances or a different attitude and perspective. But either way...God is able.

Until next week,

Love and Hugs

Ponnie