For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had to fiercely battle depression, despair, hopelessness, low self-esteem, a lack of confidence and the feelings of being useless. Is any of this true if we are a child of God? Absolutely not! But it doesn’t mean that emotionally we cannot be overtaken by our feelings if we give into the temptation to do so. I have lived long enough and walked long enough with the Lord to know it was not an option for me to give in, so that meant I had to fight. And truthfully, it has not been an easy battle—it went on for a few days.
I grew up in a household of physical and emotional abuse. From as far back as I can remember, I was told I was “nothing” and would never amount to “anything”. I was raised to believe I was useless and one of the biggest mistakes God every made. As a young woman I made poor choices based on looking for love in all the wrong places. For many years I was a people pleaser, trying to be accepted and appreciated. But nothing I did ever worked out for any length of time. There were many years as a young girl; I would lie in my bed thinking of ways to either kill my mother or myself. As a woman, suicidal thoughts often pledged me when life seemed too hard or I experienced another devastating disappointment. But the good news is…Jesus changed all of that!
After Jesus became Lord and Master of my life, I have never, ever, had another suicidal thought in my life. I no longer had to deal with that particular aspect of depression again. Does that make me more special than anyone else? Of course not! God seems to fix certain things immediately for all of us once we enter into His Kingdom. He knows what we need individually to be set free of so we can move on and grow. I remember being asked in women’s Bible study to name something God healed me of or did for me without me asking. I remember answering, “He healed my night blindness and my bad feet!” At the time I was a babe and had yet to realize the spirit of “suicide” no longer had rule over me.
My night blindness hindered me from going to Bible Study once time changed and it was dark driving home. God healed me on the night I had to drive in sleet and ice to the hospital to say good-bye to my mother—she had passed and was going to be cremated. I prayed so hard all the way, because I could barely see in front of me. But halfway there all that changed and I could see everything! That was over 23 years ago and I am still healed. I had an operation on both my feet when I was 22 years old, but the end result was not what I had hoped for, and often I was in pain. One day my feet stopped hurting and that was the end of that! As for the spirit of suicide leaving—when I look back, I believe it happened the same moment the Holy Spirit moved in.
Now as for the many other things in my life I needed to be healed of and delivered from, it has been a work in progress and still is. It was not until my fifties I truly forgave my mother. It has taken many years for me to agree with God that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my self-esteem lies in Him—and not in how I look, what I wear or what others think of me. As the old Virginia Slims cigarette commercial used to say, “You’ve come a long way baby!” So, I was more than a little surprised when it seemed the flood gates of hell opened up and, depression, despair, hopelessness, low self-esteem, a lack of confidence and the feelings of being useless showed up all together and bringing a few friends to boot!
Praying was hard, so I ran to my sisters-in-Christ because I knew I didn’t have to pretend to be strong, when I was feeling so sad. We talked, I cried and we talked some more, until I was encouraged to remember who I belong to and what that means. (See August 16th blog, “Collective Wisdom”)
At the age of 60 and looking for temporary work, is not as easy as it used to be. For one, I’m of the generation where you had an opportunity to present yourself in person. Now it is look on line. The more I tried adapting to the world’s new way of doing things, the less confident and hopeful I felt. Why was that? I had become distracted and was forgetting that all I need is—God’s Favor!!!
There is a place of business I had hoped to find seasonal work at for the past 2 weeks, (they were only hiring for managers) but Saturday they are holding walk-in interviews. I will be there bright and early looking for God’s “Favor”! Does this guarantee I will be hired? Nope, because this may not be where God wants me, (I do have other irons in the fire) but I will still go remembering who my Father is, and what He is capable of doing.
Sisters, if things are looking hopeless, just remember God’s favor can open doors and make things happen when there seems to be no way!
Proverbs 3: 3-4 (NIV) 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Until next week….be blessed!!
Love & Hugs
Ponnie
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